


even if my body goes up in flames (i'll save you anyway)

by colorsofmyseason



Series: a thousand senses [2]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23954443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorsofmyseason/pseuds/colorsofmyseason
Summary: Kai Havertz has the ability to see the details of someone's death. He hates it, never wants to do anything with it and even wishes he can live without it.Then he meets Julian Brandt and all hell breaks loose.
Relationships: Julian Brandt/Kai Havertz, Lars Bender & Sven Bender
Series: a thousand senses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718806
Comments: 33
Kudos: 32





	1. reality that is crueler than a nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> This is my first take on an adorkable pairing that is Bravertz. I haven't known them for so long so I hope I capture their personalities right!
> 
> Also, I meant to write this as another chapter for my series of oneshots, [passing the limits of your senses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23852428/chapters/57326377), but it got too long so I decided to post it as a completely separated fanfic. It's still set in the same universe, though!
> 
> Warning: Angst. English is also not my first language so forgive me for any mistakes.
> 
> Hope you love it, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated!

Kai Havertz could sense death.

And that ability of his didn't manifest simply in a “I-pass-by-you-and-I-can-sense-that-you’re-dying” kind of way. That, he thought, would be a lot more bearable at least. But no, his ability was much more specific, much more _sinister_.

Every person he met had some kind of holographic projection floating above their heads. Those projections displayed their date and time of death, the location, even the _exact_ cause of it. The ones closer to death, he noticed, tended to have clearer displays compared to the others, but even he could read a newborn baby’s display if he looked hard enough.

As a little kid, it had been an object of fascination to him, to see those displays, and he had remembered asking his parents more than once what those “floating thingies” were. His parents, being normal humans and completely oblivious to supernatural stuffs, had dismissed his questions as overactive imaginations and told him to never talk about it anymore, and soon Kai learned that probably he could see things that other people couldn’t. And to be silent about the whole thing.

He was six when he finally managed to comprehend the meaning of those displays. His uncle, always an adventurous lad, had just gone on a hiking trip, and Kai had waved goodbye to him, all the while staring at the display above him – _Fuchskarspitze, 12 th July 2005, 11:57 a.m., a slip on the hiking trail and a break to the neck_.

His grandmother called his parents in tears a few days later, and the next day Kai found himself staring at a coffin bearing his uncle’s name and face. That was the first death he ever experienced in his own family, but as much as he’s terrified of it, that paled in comparison to the horrifying discovery he just made that day.

His uncle had died during that hiking trip of his, when he was climbing the Fuchskarspitze, and he had, indeed, broken his neck while slipping on the hiking trail. His friends who had accompanied him to the trip recalled that the accident happened on “around twelve” and Kai had no doubt that the time he saw on his uncle’s display earlier was the accurate death time of his.

For the first time in his life, those displays no longer became an object of fascination to him. Instead, it became his main source of fear, the one clouding his days, the one rendering him unable to sleep at night. Despite knowing that everyone would die eventually, the knowledge regarding _how_ and _when_ it would happen was too much, especially for a six year old kid.

The restriction bracelet hadn’t been invented until Kai joined the senior team, so in those days, he became withdrawn and quiet, keeping his dark secret to himself, unable to get rid of the images of those displays off his head. He had tried to stop looking at people around him, to keep his eyes firmly planted on the ground, but those images just kept flashing so merrily that he couldn't simply ignore them.

His mother got worried because he so rarely talked in those days and at times he even had no appetite, especially after reading particularly gory details of someone’s death. She asked again and again whether he had a problem, but he always dismissed her concerns. He knew his mother wouldn’t understand anyway, and if he told her the truth, he probably would end up in a psychiatric hospital, or worse.

But even if he didn't tell anyone, he’s sure the mere details of deaths he couldn’t help seeing in daily basis would probably end up driving him crazy if he didn’t find solace.

And surprisingly, the solace came in the form of football.

Kai had always loved football, he knew he’s not bad at it and that’s why he decided to join Alemannia Mariadorf, a local team near his house, but he had never thought about being a professional footballer previously. Not until one fateful day when Hans Leitner, his coach, pulled Kai aside after a match and said that he wanted to talk.

Naturally, at first Kai was afraid that he’d done something wrong during the game, but the coach only smiled and told him there's nothing to worry about. And once they settled in Hans’ office and began to talk, what he said to Kai simply turned his world upside down.

For supernatural stuffs _did_ exist, and Kai wasn’t the only one in the world. For Hans, in fact, was a wizard, and thus had a slight ability to sense other superpowered beings, though he couldn’t always detect what they could do. For he’d known that Kai possessed a supernatural ability and wished to help the boy.

In all his excitement regarding the revelation, Kai couldn't quite remember what he’d said to Hans at that time aside from him telling the coach everything about his ability and Hans promising to help him with it. And not asking about what's written on _his_ display at all.

And Hans fulfilled that promise. Every time they had football practice, Kai stayed a bit longer with the coach to study his own ability, and then how to control it.

After a few weeks of learning and experimenting, they figured that Kai couldn't simply “turn off" his power, which was inconvenient, but not that surprising. So Hans taught Kai to distract himself instead, to mute his surroundings, to put his focus somewhere else. And that _worked_ , to some extent. He still saw those displays, but with his mind not focusing on them, he could ignore them, and sometimes even stopped reading what's written on them at all.

It didn't take long for Kai to realize that the one thing that enabled him to overlook those displays the most was football. During the trainings and matches, he would immerse himself completely to the beautiful game, running and kicking the ball as if his life depended on it. And he realized that as long as he just focused on the ball, his teammates, the game itself, the displays didn't bother him anymore. They're still there, floating above people's head as always, but they faded into the background alongside the spectators and the banners.

He often returned home after practice sessions or matches with small wounds and scars all over his body now, thanks to all the grueling trainings he endured, and his mother got worried again because, according to her, he was “putting his health and safety on the line”. But he knew that his mother was glad that now he had started to open up again, he had found something he's interested in and somewhere he truly felt he could _belong_.

One thing led to another, and a few years later, Kai found himself signed as a professional player for Bayer Leverkusen.

-

The training ground was still mostly empty as Kai made his way inside it, feeling more anxious than he’d ever felt all his life.

It was his first day of training with Bayer Leverkusen’s senior team, and despite the session not going to start for another one hour or so, he’d been too nervous to stay at home and wait for the actual training time. Besides, he’s going to be introduced formally to the rest of the players before the training anyway, so there’s no harm of being early.

Kai went into the dressing room, which, of course, still had no one but himself inside it. He walked towards the locker that had been assigned to him, the one with his brand-new Leverkusen jersey hanging on it, a jersey bearing the number 29 and his name, _Havertz_ on the back. He unpacked his bag, grabbed his training jersey and shoes and water bottle, and was about to go change when his fingers felt something else in the bag and pulled it out.

It was the restriction bracelet, a new invention for the super-humans and other supernatural creatures to help suppressing their abilities. FIFA had necessitated a rule requiring every superpowered player to wear it especially during matches to keep them from using their powers to cheat, and most importantly, to prevent them from wreaking havoc. But for Kai, the invention of the bracelet meant something else entirely. He knew that the moment he put it on, his power would be turned off completely. He knew that whenever he had the bracelet on his wrist, he would no longer be seeing those displays above people's head. And that was a sensation he'd been looking for all his life.

He hadn’t had the chance to put it on beforehand, so he figured he’d better start using it now. Wrapping the bracelet around his right hand, he struggled a bit to tighten it. His arms were so skinny that even after he pulled the bracelet to the limit, it still left some room around his wrist. Sighing, Kai decided that it couldn’t be helped, and he hoped that it would be enough to suppress his power. His fingers then reach for the clasp, ready to snap it close.

“Hi there!!” said a cheery voice, accompanied with an arm thrown around his waist in a friendly way, and Kai, startled, accidentally loosened the bracelet again and it fell on the floor. He reflexively whipped his head around, wanting to know who had caused him to drop the bracelet, but was silenced immediately upon locking eyes with an older guy in Bayer Leverkusen jacket standing before him.

“Sorry for surprising you like this,” the strange guy said, picking up the bracelet and giving it back to Kai with a little laugh, and Kai was momentarily blinded by his bright smile. “You’re the new guy, right?? My name’s Julian Brandt, and I will be your teammate here. Nice to meet you!”

Julian had fair skin and blue eyes, and the front part of his tousled blonde hair flopped lazily on his forehead. Combined with his cheerful demeanor and warm smile, Kai thought that he’d never met someone so close to being a human personification of the sun all his life. When they shook hands, Kai felt a somersault in his stomach that had nothing to do with his nervousness earlier.

“I'm Kai Havertz,” Kai said rather shyly. “I just got promoted to the senior team and…”

“I know,” Julian laughed again. “The coach has told us everything about you, that we just found a wonder kid and all. And I have to say, I'm looking forward to play together with you.”

That statement might be a casual one, something that you could say to any new guy joining your team, but for some reasons Julian's words left Kai all warmed up inside. He smiled back at the blonde and sat beside him as Julian started to chatter about their other teammates and the coaching staffs and goodness knows what else, only to have that smile wiped off his face a few seconds later at the sight in front of him. Above Julian's head, to be precise.

For his eyes had travelled upwards, to Julian's display, as bright and inviting as the blonde’s smile that Kai couldn’t help looking at it.

_BayArena, 26 th October 2019, 20:23 p.m., a collision with an opponent’s kneecap during a home game which causes major head trauma_.

And Kai’s heart sank.


	2. because you're the light that blinded me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I haven't been into Bravertz for so long, so I really didn't know that yesterday was Julian's birthday XD and I swear I didn't mean this story to be some kind of birthday fic. I'm really glad I decided to write and then publish this story though! 
> 
> Happy 24th birthday Julian, hope you still get a healthy daily dose of Kai eventhough you two play in different clubs now. Lol.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Aside from what had happened during their first meeting (or more precisely, what he had read during their first meeting), Kai found it all too easy to befriend Julian, and before he knew it, the two of them had become inseparable.

Their friendship intrigued their teammates at first. The shy, reserved Kai was the last person they would expect to be best buddies with the sunny, quirky, slightly loud Julian. But when asked about it, Kai couldn’t give a satisfactory explanation either except that they just _clicked_. Both on and off the pitch. When they played together, it seemed like Julian could read Kai’s mind and vice versa, and Kai knew the amount of goals they scored with each other’s help was statement enough. And they also spent a lot of their free times in each other’s place, playing FIFA or whatever video games they could get their hands on, or going out to have meals together.

It didn’t take long for Kai to realize that his feelings towards Julian was more than a best friend, and he knew the blonde felt the same way. So, when Julian confessed, Kai didn’t hesitate to say yes.

The funny thing about being Julian Brandt’s boyfriend was, in some things, it wasn’t much different than being his best friend. They still spent as much time at each other’s place as before. They still played video games against each other. They still strolled around the city and had meals together. But now there were cuddles and snuggles whenever there were just the two of them. There were secret kisses placed in every body part they could think of whenever they thought their teammates weren’t looking. And there were sex, hot and steamy after a good game, slow and comforting after a bad game.

And they talked more with each other. They opened up about everything. Football. Video games. Their childhood. Their dreams. Their respective goals for the future. Their family. Even some of their secrets, which Kai ended up regretting because ever since Julian found out that Kai had a slight fear towards spiders, the blonde had bought a toy spider and used every chance he got to slip it in Kai’s bag whenever the younger wasn’t looking.

There’s one thing they didn’t talk about, though, and it’s Kai’s power.

Not that Julian hadn’t tried. Despite of himself having no special ability whatsoever, the blonde wasn’t oblivious about it and had known Kai was a super since the first time he saw Kai with the restriction bracelet, and therefore had showered Kai with questions about it whenever he could. But Kai had refused to unveil any details about it, as he also did to any of his other teammates, and he had begged the coaching team and the director board of both Bayer Leverkusen and the national team not to reveal about his power to anyone.

(He suspected that one Manuel Neuer might’ve known, though, judging from the look the Bayern keeper had given him when they first met, but that’s another story.)

He had come to terms with his power. Really, he had. The restriction bracelet helped a lot, sure, but even during the times he forgot to put it on, he was able to ignore the death displays as long as he kept his mind focusing on something else. But Kai was still all too aware of the dark nature of his power, and he didn’t wish for the others to get disgusted at him because of it, or worse, try to make use of it for their own gain.

For Julian, he had an entirely different reason, though. He had seen the details of Julian’s death. And Julian might’ve begged for Kai to tell him about that if he knew about Kai’s power. And that’s one knowledge Kai would happily spare his Julian from. He wanted Julian to lead a happy life and make the most of every moment, even if the blonde only had such a little time left in the world. And so Kai remained firm and shut his mouth no matter how much Julian pleaded and prodded, until one of their teammates (usually Lars or Karim) told Julian to “leave the kid alone”.

He didn’t want to lose Julian, though. Despite only knowing him for less than two years, he had grown to love the blonde with all his heart, and he couldn’t imagine his life without Julian in it. In fact, he wondered how he could ever live without Julian previously. And he knew how broken he would be if Julian died for real.

And for the first time in his life, Kai took off his bracelet on purpose so that he could stare at Julian’s display for a long time, letting all those words sink inside him, the fact of Julian’s future passing flashing before his eyes, again and again.

He had never tried to do anything about it before. Even when his grandparents and other family members finally reached their expiration date, even when he knew that a classmate was going to die in a car accident during a normal trip to school, he never said anything, he just let the Fate ran its course and claimed their lives. He reasoned that it wasn’t his place to interfere, that he shouldn’t meddle with others’ destiny and even if he did, they’re just going to end up dying anyway.

_But you can actually do that if you want,_ a small voice whispered in his head. _You_ can _change the destiny. You can make sure that he won’t be playing at that time or something, thus averting him from his fate. And who knows, maybe you both will be able to live happily for a long time afterwards?_

Kai tried to deny the voices, he really did. But then he remembered Julian’s infectious laughs and smiles, him chattering nineteen to the dozen about everything on the face of the earth, all those times they spent together, doing everything they could think of but in the end the only thing that mattered was they did it _with each other_.

And Kai just knew he wasn’t ready to let Julian go yet.

-

“Kai?”

“Yes, Jule??” Kai responded, slightly absentmindedly as he’s trying to swerve through Julian’s defenders on FIFA.

Julian kept silent for awhile, not even moving his controller before he finally answered, low, “I’ve gotten a few offers.”

That caused Kai’s hand to slip, and the ball he was aiming to put past the virtual Bernd Leno flew high to the sky instead. Pausing the game, he looked at Julian and asked quietly, “From which club??”

Julian swallowed. “Tottenham, Liverpool, Borussia Dortmund.”

Kai bit his lower lip. “And…??”

“And…my agent thinks it will be a great chance for me to move to a bigger club.”

A silence as heavy as fog fell between the two of them.

“I don’t want to leave Germany though,” Julian added quickly, as if trying to diffuse the situation. “So if the transfer _does_ happen, I may end up playing for Dortmund. I haven’t decided anything and I don’t want to make a rushed deci-“

“Do it.”

Julian blinked and stared at his boyfriend. “What?? What do you mean??”

“I said what I mean,” Kai stated, eyes staring resolutely into Julian’s. “You have this great chance to move to a bigger club, to expand your career…so do it. You deserve it anyway, and there, you can show the world what Julian Brandt can do.”

The last sentence was so typically Kai that Julian almost smiled, but then another thought struck him. Looking at the younger man in the eyes again, he whispered, “I don't want to leave you though, Kai.”

Kai’s back tensed a bit, but thankfully Julian didn’t seem to realize that.

“I mean I know, we are footballers, and transferring from one club to another is just part of our lives,” Julian continued, fiddling with the controller despite of the game not being played anymore. “But if I get to choose… I don't want to leave you. You’re my soulmate, Kai. I’ve never been more comfortable playing with anyone else but you. And it's not like I can’t make it big at Bayer Leverkusen, we can still try to win trophies next season and…”

“No!!” Kai hurriedly interjected, probably more loudly than he’d meant. “I mean, well, I appreciate your sentiment, but... it’s your chance to develop further, to shine even brighter… Don’t hold yourself back only because of me…”

“Yes, but I’m still going to worry anyway, because it’s _you_ ,” Julian objected. “You’re an amazing player, Kai, and I’m sure you’ll do well even without me around. But you do realize that if I move to Dortmund, or any other clubs for that matter, we can’t meet on daily basis like this, right?? We can’t just pop in each other’s house at any time and do whatever we want right away. We can only settle for texts and video calls. There will be no dressing-room kisses, no post-game sex anymore. Well, at least not until we can find some time to see each other, or we both get called to the national team.”

There’s a slight tremor in Julian’s voice, and Kai looked downwards, unable to meet the blonde’s eyes.

He’s aware of all the “complications” that might happen if Julian moved to another club. And he’d be lying if he said he wouldn’t miss Julian’s presence by his side almost 24/7. They were so close, they practically did everything together. Without Julian around, Kai could imagine how empty and lonely his upcoming days might be. But he also knew he had a perfectly valid reason to encourage Julian to make the transfer.

He knew that if Julian stayed at Leverkusen, then he would surely be going to play at the fateful home game on 26th October. And he knew that Julian would suffer that collision which eventually led to his death. By transferring to another club altogether, certainly Julian would be able to avoid the fate, and afterwards keep living his life without any worries.

He couldn’t say it all to Julian. The blonde probably was surprised at how easily Kai had accepted the news and thinking that the younger was pushing him away. His guess was spot-on, because Julian looked at him after what felt like hours of silence and said, voice subdued, “And are you _really_ going to be okay about this, Kai? I mean…I trust that you’re happy for me, wish the best for me and so forth. But about our relationship…”

Julian’s next words were cut off as Kai had sealed his lips in a kiss. The blonde was surprised but kissed his boyfriend back, his fingers grabbing at a handful of curls at the back of Kai’s head. The kiss was long and deep and full of passion, both simply enjoyed the taste of each other’s lips and the feel of being in each other’s embrace.

After they both ran out of breath, they finally broke apart.

“I’m sorry, Julian.” Kai’s voice was quieter than usual. “I didn’t mean to give off the impression that I will be fine without you around, truly I didn’t. I love you and you know that, and nothing can ever change that. And if I get to choose, I never want you to leave Leverkusen…and me. However, you can’t put a risk on your career by insisting to stay in a club whose chances to win trophies is basically questionable. Moving to Dortmund will be a great start, and there’s only a one-hour drive separating us. Besides,” in a sudden strike of inspiration, “it’s not like I don’t get offers as well, you know. But the boss has said that he wants me to stay, that I should gain more experiences first before moving to another club. Who knows, maybe on the next transfer window, I’ll probably be able to join you or something, and we can be the dynamic duo again.”

The last sentence seemed to do the magic, because Julian’s grin slowly spread out, enlightening his whole face like the sun appearing after a rainy day. Looking at Kai in the eyes, he said, “Promise??”

Kai let out a small laugh. “Well, of course it depends on which club actually wants me, but yes, I promise I’m going to move to whatever club you’re playing in if I have the chance,” he replied, patting Julian on the head. “We _are_ the dynamic duo after all. And nothing will be able to keep us apart for too long, be it injuries, suspensions, or transfers. One day we will play together again in the same club, I promise.”

Julian’s grin grew wider, and he practically threw himself on top of Kai while capturing the younger’s lips in another passionate kiss. Kai kissed him back, his hands grabbing Julian’s face, his fingers tracing the soft curves of Julian’s cheekbones that he loved so much, trying not to think about how much he would miss doing this when Julian was gone later.

And when later they proceeded to have sex, and Kai screamed Julian’s name much louder and more often than usual thorough it, the blonde didn’t know that it was actually Kai’s cry of hopelessness and desperation for losing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the epilogue.
> 
> As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.


	3. the one that got away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I'm so so so sorry for updating this story so late. At first I wanted this one just to be a short epilogue but then...I got a new idea for the ending, but I didn't know how to connect it with my original idea so I kinda left it for awhile to find inspirations. And I finally managed it *phew* but as a result, I need to add a new chapter, lest this one will be too long.
> 
> This chapter is mostly conversation between Kai and his Leverkusen teammates, though. Julian will appear again on the next chapter (hopefully, the REAL epilogue), I promise!
> 
> Warning: English is not my mother tongue so forgive me for any mistakes.

_hi babe!!_

_i just signed the contract_

_i’m going to be officially introduced to the public tomorrow_

_marco and mario send their regards to you_

_they're so lovey-dovey with each other it makes me sick already_

_also what are you doing right now?_

_miss youuuuuuuu_

Kai sighed at the barrage of texts coming to his phone, courtesy of his boyfriend. He read all those messages again and again, wishing he could send a simple message to tell Julian that he's fine at the very least, but his fingers shook so hard that he didn't trust himself to type anything, lest they would turn out so messed up that Julian's going to think he's being kidnapped or something. So he just put the phone back to his pocket and closed his eyes, trying to put himself at ease.

_Julian is alright_ , he tried to reason with himself. _He has moved to a bigger club, with more success to come, and he has friends there. He will be just fine. And I've just saved his life._

Saved his life. Kai had saved Julian's life. Alright, what he technically had done was more like simply pushing Julian to a decision, thus sparing the blonde from his dismal fate, but still, it should've counted for something. And saving someone's life should've been the biggest feat one could ever expect to achieve, right?? By all means, Lucien Favre and Joachim Löw should've kneeled in front of him and sung him a song of gratitude because, thanks to him, Borussia Dortmund and Germany national team still had one young, brilliant midfielder to count on.

But why did it hurt so much?

His phone pinged again and this time it was a load of teary emojis, Julian asking him why he hadn’t answered and then a selfie of Julian, smiling broadly in his new yellow kit, Marco Reus and Mario Götze flanking by his sides.

He looked…brighter than ever, as much as Kai hated to admit. Whether it's because of the kit or simply the extent of Julian’s smile, Kai didn't know.

A drop of tear made its way down Kai's cheek, but he furiously wiped it away. No, he’s not going to cry because of this, and especially not in the dressing room, thank you so much.

“It’s okay to cry, you know.”

Kai didn’t have to look around to see that it was Lars standing beside him.

“I mean,” Lars continued, “he’s your best friend, soulmate, boyfriend, _whatever_. You two are practically joined by the hips. It would be weird if you don’t mourn his departure.”

“Yeah,” an identical face popped beside Lars, a wide grin on his face, “just like this guy did when I moved to Dortmund back then. Heard he cried for weeks or something, poor thing.”

Lars shoved his twin away, face bright red with embarrassment. “I did _not_ do such thing! It was _you_ who cried for me, and…”

“Probably you two were just too deep in your shared memories back then that it’s hard to differentiate who actually cried,” Kevin said with a perfectly straight face.

The whole dressing room burst into laughter, and Kai himself couldn’t help a small smile slipping onto his face despite of himself. Lars and Sven’s twin shenanigans had always been an internal joke within the team, especially with their _special connection_ , and Kai didn’t doubt that with their abilities, they had managed to pull out more than a few successful switcheroos. And considering their closeness with each other, he could imagine how much they must’ve missed each other when they had gone to separate clubs at the start of their careers. But Lars and Sven had had the privilege to talk to each other at any time they wanted, and basically _shared_ their lives with each other, while the same thing couldn’t be said about him and Julian.

“I really meant it, though,” Lars said again when the laughter had died down considerably. “Go on, mourn and cry, no one will judge you here. Everyone has known about you guys anyway. It’s kinda hard not to.”

Kai could feel himself turn pink at Lars’ words. “How…?”

Sven snorted. “What do you mean, ‘how’??” he asked dubiously. “You think we never noticed your blatant affection towards each other??”

“And the way you two always celebrated a goal with each other regardless of whether one of you assisted the other or not??” Kevin added, also with a snort.

“And your post-game kisses?” Karim stated with raised eyebrow. “You two weren’t as subtle as you think, you know.”

“ _And_ I personally made sure the whole shower room was sterilized properly after what you two did there upon our win against Frankfurt last May,” Lars chimed in, a mischievous look on his face.

Kai was sure that even a tomato field would be jealous of his face right now. Burying his face in his hands, he said in a muffled voice, “I’m sorry. It’s not like Julian and I didn’t trust you guys, it’s just…”

“We understand,” Jonathan cut in, grinning. “It’s hard for us footballers to admit publicly that we like guys, because we may face backlash from the media, et cetera et cetera. But you don’t have to hide from _us_. I mean, we’re _Germans_ , and if there’s any team that’s more supportive towards, uhm, _internal relationships_ compared to our national team then I haven’t known it.”

Kai didn’t say anything else, but he looked around the dressing room and gave his teammates a small smile of gratefulness.

“Also,” Lars spoke up again, in a lower voice this time and with a hand on Kai’s shoulder, “as harsh as it might sound, Julian moving to Dortmund isn’t the end of the world. There’s only one-hour drive or so between here and there, and you can still go see him anytime you wish. And I’m sure Julian would be yearning to see you as well. He _loves_ you, Kai. Besides, you have a… _special reason_ to let him make the transfer, right?”

Kai stared at his captain and caught a knowing look in Lars’ eyes. Taking a deep breath, he whispered almost inaudibly, “How…?”

Lars’ smile was warm, almost fatherly. “Manu.”

Manuel Neuer, of course. That explained everything. At this point, Kai wouldn’t be surprised if the Bayern captain was some kind of an all-seeing, all-knowing being, considering how much he knew.

“I’m sorry,” Lars said, ignoring the sudden hushes and questioning looks from all around the dressing room. “I swear, I didn’t mean to…dig up your deepest secret or something, surely I didn’t. But Manu himself went to me during a captains’ meeting and told me about you, and that I should pay attention to you more. And well…he dropped some hints about you and Julian. He warned me not to ask you about… _anything else_ , though.” He took a deep breath. “And I’ve never told anyone else either.”

“Except for me,” Sven piped in.

Lars rolled his eyes. “You’re in my head the whole time, of course you know,” he snapped. “But you get my point, Kai. I’m not going to stop you from moping around for now, really I’m not. But after that you need to buckle up and accept him leaving and…”

As if on cue, Kai’s phone rang at the very moment, and the dark-haired midfielder wasn’t surprised to find his boyfriend’s name flashing there. Still, his thumb ghosted over the screen for a few seconds, unable to decide whether he should answer it or not.

“You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to, you know,” Lars said quietly.

Kai stared at the captain in surprise, but Lars’ face remained unchanged. “I mean it,” he said. “Just answer the call, talk to him as usual, probably plan a lunch date or something. Nothing has to change between you both because of this, Kai. Trust me.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Lars was right. He might be down in the dumps right now because of Julian leaving for Dortmund, but aside from their inability to physically be together 24/7, nothing should’ve changed between them. They could still play online games together, they could make plans to meet whenever they had time to do so, and most importantly, their love towards each other would stay strong no matter what. And Julian didn’t need to know about Kai’s sacrifice, no, he really didn’t.

So, with a slightly lighter heart, Kai finally picked up his phone and said softly to the receiver, “Hi, Jule.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that concludes the third chapter, and the next chapter will be the REAL epilogue.
> 
> A bit of additional information, Lars and Sven's ability is "twin connection", a deeper version of twin telepathy, because they're not only able to communicate with each other at any given situation and experience similar illnesses/injuries, but also share their respective memories, and if they focus really hard, see through each other's eyes, even. Basically, it's almost as if they share the same mind. Some even theorize that they can only die if both of them are killed in the same time, but this has yet to be proven, for obvious reasons.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter. Kudos, comments, and constructive criticisms are appreciated!


	4. of inner thoughts and revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I guess I'm officially the WORST.
> 
> Not only I stalled for so long in finishing this one, but I also realized that I had to extend this story for one more chapter *sobs sobs* I swear I didn't plan this!! It's just Bravertz begging me to write more and more about them, I think...
> 
> I'm so, so, so, so sorry about this and I PROMISE I will finish this soon even if it kills me!!! And I won't get distracted by my other fanfictions this time! And hope you still enjoy this chapter, though.
> 
> This chapter is mostly written from Julian's POV because I wanted to explore his side of the story a bit.
> 
> Warning: English is not my mother tongue.

Julian was giddy. It was the first time he’s going to meet Kai after his transfer to Dortmund and honestly he couldn’t wait.

They had wanted to meet on earlier date, but with the pre-season trainings and matches on the way, it was hard for them to find time for each other. But finally, _finally_ , they managed to secure a date, and it was agreed that Julian was to go see Kai in Cologne, and Kai would go see Julian in Dortmund on their next meeting.

And speaking about Kai…

Julian sighed as he recalled his latest conversations with his boyfriend. They still talked regularly, using chats and video-calls, and they still discussed every single topic that came to mind – Fortnite, FIFA, their respective families, their respective games, Kai sharing bits and news from Bayer Leverkusen’s dressing room – but Julian could tell that Kai was being more taciturn than usual. Probably it had something to do with his transfer to Dortmund, Julian thought sadly. He knew that eventhough Kai insisted on supporting him in this matter, the younger still hadn’t been able to fully accept the fact that he wouldn’t be playing alongside Julian this season, and Julian could only hope that it wouldn’t affect Kai’s performance that much. Not that he doubted Kai’s footballing capability, but sometimes he couldn’t help worrying about his boyfriend’s mental state.

His mind wandered to the occasion in which he met Kai for the first time. He remembered clearly how Kai was at that time – a seventeen years old boy, young and awkward, with body resembling a lanky beanpole and mess of dark curls on his head, but with supposed magic in his feet that convinced everyone in Bayer Leverkusen’s director board to give him a contract already despite of his age. Julian also remembered a slightly gaunt look on Kai’s face, as if he was keeping a deep, dark secret, and the way he fiddled with his restriction bracelet as if it’s the most important thing for him.

A sigh escaped Julian’s lips as he remembered Kai’s restriction bracelet. Three years – _three fucking years!!!_ – had passed since Julian got to know Kai, and he still hadn’t figured out about the younger’s power. Of course Julian had tried asking Kai, but his boyfriend had always been extremely tight-lipped about it. Julian also had suspected that Manuel and Lars (and by extension, Sven) might’ve known, but Manuel had said that it’s not his place to tell Julian, while the twins only gave him identical sad smiles when he asked.

Julian didn’t think that his curiosity regarding Kai’s power was weird, or something that crossed the line. Really, if there’s any team that contained more supers than his national team, he had yet to find it. And everyone in the national team had always been open about their abilities, though they had to hide it from the “ordinary” world. Julian himself had always been content with the fact that he was one of the few non-superpowered members of the team, so Kai couldn’t use “I don’t want you to feel inferior” as an excuse. So, what kind of power would cause Kai to guard it so closely, and the others to act that way upon facing the question about it? It couldn’t be worse than Lukas Podolski’s infamous disintegration power, no?

Before he knew it, his car had entered the parking lot of Kai’s apartment, and Julian quickly shook off all his thoughts and curiosity about Kai’s unknown ability. _I’m here to meet my boyfriend, and have some fun with him_ , he reminded himself. _It won’t do to think about something that will just end up causing both of us to feel unsettled. And I’m certainly here to make him happy_.

After he parked the car, Julian headed to Kai’s apartment and knocked. He didn’t have to wait very long, for Kai opened the door in less than one minute, and Julian’s breath immediately hitched in his throat at the sight of his boyfriend.

Kai was wearing a black designer t-shirt and black ripped jeans that hugged his skinny legs perfectly, grey-black beanie on his head and a black hoodie thrown over the t-shirt. He looked casual yet stylish, and Julian didn’t know whether it’s just because he hadn’t met Kai for so long or whatever, but he honestly never found the younger more adorable than this.

“Gosh,” Julian breathed as he took one look from Kai’s head to toe. “You look beautiful.”

A faint pink blush dusted Kai’s cheeks and the younger murmured, “Thanks, you look good as well” almost inaudibly, but Julian couldn’t help noticing how Kai’s eyes didn’t actually meet his. No, Kai was looking at something behind him – correction, _above_ him.

And Julian swore he could see a look of confusion flashing through Kai’s eyes for one-nth second.

Julian inhaled. _Keep calm_ , he told himself. _He’s probably going to tell you when the time comes, whenever that is. But now it’s not the time for useless thoughts and questions. Just enjoy being with him for now, you won’t get much chance like this anymore when you’ve returned to Dortmund_.

So Julian only smiled and after a few hugs and I-miss-yous, he asked, “Shall we go now??”

Kai mutely nodded and proceeded to lock the door of his apartment, and as they walked together to Julian’s car, the blonde certainly didn’t miss the faint clicking sound of Kai’s restriction bracelet being snapped shut behind him.

-

They had fun. They visited the places they used to go together to back then, and then had lunch. They bickered on what dessert they should get and ended up with twice as much ice cream as any human beings should eat in a day, let alone footballers who were supposed to watch their diet, and Julian might’ve gotten a little brain freeze in the end, but he felt that it’s all worth it.

And they _talked_. Really, Julian couldn’t believe that even after all the chats and video calls, he and Kai still had lots of things to talk and laugh about. He guessed that’s just what happened when two guys who just happened to be best friends-slash-boyfriends were separated for a long period of time. Alright, maybe not _that_ long, but still, Julian knew he would miss this when they went their separate ways later.

They crashed in Kai’s apartment again soon afterwards. Normally, they would settle on playing FIFA or something else, but Julian didn’t think both of them were in the mood for it. Instead he leaned closer towards Kai and enveloped the younger man in a hug.

“I really, really miss you, Kai,” Julian breathed, his fingers playing with Kai’s soft curls. “And I’m glad… I’m really glad we can meet each other today, and just spend some time together like this. You have no idea how much I’ve missed this in Dortmund.”

Kai smiled and leaned into Julian’s embrace, closing his eyes. He really looked like a baby, Julian thought, a dorky, overgrown baby, but still a baby. “Me too, Jule. Me too.”

“How have you been coping with me not being around??”

Kai laughed, a rather sad one in Julian’s ears. “Well, not bad, I guess? The other guys are a great help, though they can’t be compared to you, of course.” He fell silent for awhile. “Anyway, it turned out that they know about our relationship.”

Julian only shrugged. “Well, we aren’t the most subtle couple in the whole world, I’m sure they’re bound to figure it out sooner or later,” he said casually. “Besides, with the amount of couples we have in our national team, I’m sure they’re more or less accepting towards us.”

“They are,” Kai confirmed. “Though Lars hinted that he didn’t want to clean up our messes in the shower room anymore after what we did there upon our win against Frankfurt last season.”

Julian turned beetroot red at that, and Kai chuckled again before giving him a playful punch on his shoulder. “Don’t worry,” the younger said. “I told him it wouldn’t happen anymore. After all, you can’t just sneak into _our_ shower room anytime you want now, right??”

“Well, technically I’m still able to do so,” Julian responded with a cheeky grin, despite not yet losing the redness on his face. “In case Lars has forgotten, away game _is_ a thing, you know.”

“Or maybe we can try it in _your_ shower room instead.”

“Kinky, aren’t we,” Julian smirked, “but no, Marco and Mario do it there. Also I think Benni and Mats used to do so as well, in the past.”

Kai stared at him. “Really???”

“Well, I’ve never watched it directly, of course, but I’ve seen Marco wiggling his eyebrows suggestively towards Mario a lot of times while gesturing to the shower room…”

“ _What??_ ”

“And honestly, they couldn’t be more obvious even if Marco wears a rainbow shirt with ‘I LOVE YOU MARIO’ written on it or something…”

Kai collapsed into giggles. “Oh my goodness. I can’t imagine it. Marco Reus, as in the oh-so-calm-and-collected _Marco Reus_ , the captain of Borussia Dortmund, is actually a lovesick fool when it comes to Mario?? I can’t even… I may be a bit new here, but he doesn’t seem as bad in the national team.”

“Probably because we have so many couples in the national team, their lovey-dovey moment doesn’t always go to par with the others. And to be fair, Mario is just as bad. He looks at Marco all the time as if Marco is the one who hung the sun on the sky, or something equally corny. Really, you wouldn’t wish to get stuck in the dressing room with the two lovebirds, that’s for sure.”

Kai was still laughing, but Julian only sat there and smiled at the sight of his boyfriend. He liked it when Kai laughed, a real, hearty laugh of course. It lightened Kai’s whole face up like a candle, dissolved all the gauntness on Kai’s expression and generally made him seem lighter, happier, as if he never had any problems in his life. And Julian honestly thought Kai had never looked more…glorious than this.

So, without much thinking, the blonde leaned forward and captured Kai’s lips in a kiss.

A shocked gasp escaped Kai as his laughter was cut short thanks to Julian’s kiss, but Julian could tell that Kai liked it, for the younger carefully positioned himself and grabbed Julian’s face gently with his thin fingers, letting Julian’s tongue tease him for a few seconds before he finally returned the kiss.

And then _it_ happened.

What _it_ was, exactly, Julian didn’t know. Whenever he’s asked about it later, he would say it felt like he was being electrocuted, like a surge of energy burst out inside him, and that energy had knocked him down, but it wasn’t even close to what he actually felt. He _did_ feel the energy, but instead of reinforcing him, it swirled inside his body so heavily that Julian felt like vomiting all his internal organs out. Then he felt a throb in his head, behind his eyes to be precise, and it was so painful he could only let out a small, pathetic whimper instead of an agonizing scream.

He faintly heard Kai yelling his name, and the next thing he knew, he’s already lying there inside his boyfriend’s embrace, breathing heavily. The tightness around his head had lessened slightly, but he still felt dizzy, and his vision was decidedly blurred.

“Jule, are you okay??” Kai asked, voice laced with worry. “Should I call an ambulance?”

Julian shook his head. Some of the pain was still there indeed, but he didn’t want to raise unnecessary concern, besides he’s sure he’s getting better, though he still had no idea what could possibly cause this sudden illness.

Through his still hazy vision, he could see Kai biting his lower lip, certainly unsure whether he should follow Julian’s words or not, but finally gave a small nod. “Alright then. But let me get you some painkillers at least…? You can’t lie to me, Jule, I know you’re hurting somehow.”

“Yes, please. Thank you, Kai.”

Kai gently removed Julian’s head from his embrace and softly laid him on the sofa as he proceeded to go in search for some painkillers. Julian sank his head into a cushion Kai had provided for him with a little groan, and as he blinked the dizziness off his head and eyes, he tried to recall the event that had led to him collapsing like this.

He remembered kissing Kai, and Kai kissing him back, but that’s all. They’re boyfriends after all, and they’d kissed each other plenty of times, and nothing like this had ever happened! Even if Kai’s using his mysterious power or something, Julian knew for sure that the younger’s restriction bracelet was clasped shut, so it couldn’t possibly be that. Still, there’s a possibility that some “freaky supernatural shit” might be at work, and Julian had to admit, that left him feeling more than a little unsettled.

“Jule?”

Julian looked around and saw Kai, a small bottle of pills and a glass of water on his hands. “Can you sit? I know your head is hurting like hell right now, but it will be easier if you can sit and…”

Kai was still talking, but Julian couldn’t hear what he said anymore. For his eyes had caught something, and it was so captivating he’s barely able to take a breath.

It was a big blue rectangle, hovering above Kai’s head, slightly glowing especially under the dim light. It kind of resembled holographic projections in sci-fi movies, but Julian certainly had never seen anything like that in real life. And when the blonde strained his eyes to look more clearly, he saw that something was written on it – a place, a date, a time, and a short description of an event.

“Kai,” Julian whispered, his voice a mixture of fear and awe, “what is that, above your head…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a cliffhanger here, I know.
> 
> I guess most of you would've guessed what had happened between Julian and Kai, but still...the conclusion would be explained in the next chapter.
> 
> The true last chapter, I hope *sobs*
> 
> Again, I'm really really sorry on how things turned out to be, guess I really can't be trusted in writing chaptered fanfictions.
> 
> Kudos, comments, and constructive criticisms are still appreciated, though.


	5. the sunlight has (not) fallen asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally, _finally_ I managed to write the epilogue that I've promised since two chapters ago.
> 
> In all honesty, actually I had wanted to end this story when Julian moved to Dortmund, but then I thought, "Changing fates shouldn't simply go unnoticed, right?" so there you have it, the dire consequences of Kai's action.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this final chapter.
> 
> Warning: English is not my first language so forgive me for any mistakes!

Kai couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“What…what did you just say??” he managed to blurt out through his trembling lips, hands shaking so hard he’s even surprised he still had the sense to put down the pills and the glass of water before he ended up dropping them.

“I said, I saw something above your head,” Julian replied, slow and hesitant as he noticed Kai’s strange expression. “It’s like…a big blue rectangle…? And there’s something written on it…?”

Kai felt like all the air rushed out of his lungs. He dropped himself on a nearby chair, too shocked to say anything, to even _think_ of anything.

Today had been quite an eventful day, indeed. Most of all, he was nervous to meet Julian again after not seeing him for weeks. Not only because he missed his boyfriend, but also because he wished to know whether he did manage to save Julian from his terrible fate for real. The death displays weren’t visible through video calls, so Kai had to wait until he could meet Julian in person, and in order to take a quick peek into Julian’s supposedly new display, Kai had placed his restriction bracelet on his wrist while leaving the clasps open.

But when Julian had arrived, and Kai had opened the door for him, there’s nothing above his head. No rectangles, no words, nothing at all. And that had left Kai confused and rather disturbed. He never saw anything like this before, and he highly doubted anyone could tell him what that meant. And for some reasons, he didn’t think that he could possibly cause Julian to lose his death date at all, as in become immortal or something.

Then Julian kissed him, and _it_ happened.

Kai didn’t get knocked out like Julian did. But he did feel slightly dizzy and lightheaded upon returning Julian’s kiss, and he didn’t know how to explain it, but he also sensed as if something was pulled out of him, though he also had no idea what it was. Nevertheless, he panicked when he saw Julian collapsing like a dying leaf in front of him, hands holding his own head. Julian had recovered pretty quickly afterwards, indeed, but Kai could tell that something had happened to the blonde.

And then Julian told him what he saw, and Kai didn’t know how to react to that.

In all honestly, he knew what it was. Heck, he probably knew that better than anyone else. And it’s not like Kai hadn't anticipated that there might be some consequences in trying to meddle with fate. But now Kai was struck with realization that the “payment” might be more than he’d bargained for.

His left hand quickly slid to the restriction bracelet on his right wrist, fingers still trembling so heavily that he barely managed to find the fastening. As he was struggling to unlock it, Julian was already in front of him, the blonde’s hand on his, reaching for the bracelet as well.

“May I?” Julian asked hesitantly.

Kai had never let anyone else handle his restriction bracelet. The first and only time Julian had ever touched it before was during their first meeting in which the blonde had accidentally caused Kai to drop the bracelet. But now Kai gulped and gave a short nod, not really trusting himself to speak.

Julian’s fingers quietly located the clasps and slowly, slowly flicked it open. Kai wanted to shut his eyes, to pretend that all of this never happened, to deny the result of his own doing. But he also knew it wouldn’t do to act that way, especially not when Julian was probably going to need his help more than anything else after this, so he forced himself to keep his eyes open and looked above Julian’s head.

And the display appeared before his eyes, clear as a day.

It’s just like what he’d always seen before – a glowing blue rectangle, showing a place, date, time, and a short illustration of the event that would lead to someone’s death. But to Kai’s surprise (and slight delight), Julian’s display now showed a wholly different description altogether, something that would happen in the future, something that Kai was sure he could live with.

He was about to smile, and maybe voiced his happiness, but then he remembered what Julian could do now, and he felt the smile slipping off his face before it’s even formed properly.

“Jule,” Kai said quietly, a quaver in his voice and a tremor in his heart, “what…what do you see there…? I mean…above my head…? Can you read it to me…?”

Julian bit his lower lip, certainly unsure what to do. But he complied, reading the place, date, time, and explanation out loud, while Kai fixed his own gaze towards Julian’s new display, silently noting that both of them were exactly the same.

And the knowledge about it crushed and excited him at the same time.

“Kai?” Julian called him after a few minutes of silence, his tone now apprehensive but not fearful. “What’s actually happening here…? Is there…is there something you need to tell me…?”

“A lot of things, actually,” Kai whispered, looking downside, sorrow and regret hung in his voice like dark clouds after a pouring rain. “And it all started from my selfishness, because I don’t want to lose the one I love more than anything in the whole world, and I’m sorry, I’m so, so, so sorry, Julian, you don’t deserve it, but now you have to live with this for the rest of your life and…”

Kai’ words were interrupted, not with a kiss, but by Julian’s hand gently cupping his mouth, like a kid preventing his younger brother from snitching. But to Kai’s surprise, it didn’t feel like a coercion, more like _pleading_ instead.

“If you did whatever you’ve done because you ‘don’t want to lose the one you love more than anything in the whole world’, then it mustn’t have been that bad,” Julian softly said, his expression tender but resolute. “And Kai…I honestly don’t know how else I’m supposed to stress this to you, and I’ve been trying for three years, but…you can tell me anything. Absolutely anything. Especially if it’s something related to your…ability. I won’t get mad. I won’t get repulsed. You’re my best friend, my soulmate, and especially my boyfriend. I’m ready to accept anything you throw towards me, no matter how…disgusting or cruel it turns out to be.”

Kai couldn’t say anything, but he found himself staring at his boyfriend’s mesmerizing blue eyes. There’s no sign of resentment nor malice in them, only quiet acceptance regarding whatever Kai could possibly tell him. And Kai, while relieved, felt like crying at the same time. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Julian, who had been so patient and understanding all this time, waiting for him to reveal about his power. And Julian himself didn’t deserve to experience the fate that Kai had bestowed upon him. But Kai knew there’s no other way now. He had to tell Julian everything, and hopefully help the blonde to go through it, if Julian’s still willing to talk to him after this of course.

So, taking a deep breath, Kai removed his restriction bracelet and wrapped it around Julian’s wrist (and heard Julian’s shocked gasp as Kai’s display presumably blinked out of his sight) and said softly, “Alright, babe. We have all the time in the world to talk about it.”

**_fin._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that FINALLY concludes this story for real. *sobbing hard in the corner*
> 
> In case any of you don’t understand, Kai _did_ manage to change Julian’s fate, but with some repercussions. Julian now had to live with Kai’s power, and Kai lost part of his lifespan to be given to Julian to extend Julian’s life.
> 
> How did that happen? Some freaky supernatural shit that I myself don’t know, I guess. Lol.
> 
> And yes, in this universe, they’re going to die together, because I’m cruel like that.
> 
> Thanks for everyone who has been so patient towards me and has been there for me throughout this journey. I will hopefully return with a better story next time.
> 
> And if you're interested to read some more stories from my supernatural/superpower AU, feel free to check it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718806).
> 
> Kudos, comments, and constructive criticisms are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Check my [tumblr](https://colorsofmyseason.tumblr.com/tagged/fanfiction) for more fic dumps/entries about my supernatural AU!
> 
> Russian translation of this fic can be found [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/10055233).


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